Explanations

Even I have a limit with the word vagina!  I'm ready not to read that every time I come to my blog.

Some deep thoughts now.  Hopefully tonight some cute pictures of the kiddos and some new video.  We bought a little flip recorder this weekend and I can't wait to check it out.

But for now...some explanations.

I have wrestled with my role of a woman since I became a woman.  That'd be about 31 years ago now!  Recently...in the past couple of years...I've struggled with my role as a mother.  What does God want from me?  What do I want?  How do my wants get in the way of  His wants?  Big stuff.  Confusing stuff.  Stuff that at one point I was sure I had figured out.  Stuff that now I know I don't have figured out.

I live in conservative America.  I worship at a conservative church.  I was raised in a conservative church.  The overwhelming message that I have received is that to be happy I have to be living out God's will for my life.  I have to be following his desires for me.  And...thankfully, I have the Bible to guide me.  I also have a choir of voices, both from my past and present, that try to influence me.

I'm not good at fitting the conservative Baptist woman model.  Really, who is?  Some of my sweet sisters do a much better job than me.  My mind has always been a little bent toward being....well...a rebel.  So, when I begin to struggle with issues of biblical womanhood am I struggling because I have issues with authority or because something deep inside me knows that it can't be this simple.  I've listened to extreme ideology - although not always advertised as that - for so long that I feared I might never be able to understand God's path for me.

Complicating all this is the Bible.  Don't you love how people use the Bible.  Any point can be proven simply by pulling out a verse.  Ta da - the answer.  Right here.  You see?  Except I don't always see things the way others do.  And I, too often, want to point out the context - the bigger idea.  You know...like reading the whole book instead of just a chapter.

I am in a small group and we are reading "Femine Appeal" by Carolyn Mahaney.  It's based on Titus 2.  She's the wife of CJ Mahaney and one of the voices behind The Council for Biblical Womanhood and Manhood.  They have some wonderful ideas...some great passages of scripture.  Some good guidance.  But they are, in my opinion, extreme.  The idea being that a woman should only be in the workforce if her husband is dead or disabled.  Without those exceptions, scripture extorts her to be busy at home (Titus 2).  This means embracing the lost art of homemaking.  Carolyn says in her book that God has called a remnant of woman to carry forward these ideas.  She talks about how we should pray for and SUFFER with our sisters in the workforce.  She called feminist ideology "toxic."

Hmmm....

I'm left wondering.  Did I feel lonely yesterday because I'm a Christian woman, mother of two, working part time as a licensed professional counselor?  Would I be able to fully experience the joy of my Jesus is I were at home full time?  Are my children suffering?  Do they feel like they are my last priority?

I asked about a million questions.  At first, I grabbed hold of this theology and tried to take it to the bank.  Surely, this is what God wants from me.  Scott, I said, I need to quit my job.  I need to embrace homemaking.

I tried and I failed.  I tried to turn off the part of my brain that craved other things.  I tried to tell myself those yearnings were wrong. 

I tried to make the matter simple.

It's not.

Turns out God created us as unique individuals.  We are wonderfully made scripture says. 

Turns out when I really dive into God's word I see that he's more interested in the status of our heart than the boxes we're trying to check off living in christian culture.  In fact, according to christian culture, I have a lot of problems.  In fact, to some legalists, I'm not even assured of my salvation right now.  Hmmm...I know that's not right.  Growing up Southern Baptist has some challenges, but I learned the word. 

So, back to square one.

Here I am...this loud, lively, passionate, cause seeking, protest ready kinda gal.  I live hard.  I'd rather laugh with my babies than do laundry.  My house is a mess most days than not.  I love to cook, but you'll often find me playing at the park after dinner rather than mopping my floors.  I have a gift in counseling.  Shocking to most, but I listen to my clients.  I feel with them.  I hurt with them.  I rejoice with them.  I try my best to reflect Jesus to them.  I feel assured that I'm serving in the ministry that God wants me. 

I love my husband.  I submit to his authority in my home.  Turns out, though, that he married me because he loved me.  Loud, opinionated me.  When I tried to adopt a meek and mild attitude...he called my mom.  What's wrong with her?  he said. 

I adore my children.  I'm away from them 3 days a week.  Not because my husband is disabled or dead, but because I have a ministry to do.  They are in a warm, safe and loving place.  They learn and grow.  I don't see every step they take. But, I am their mom.  They know that they are my first priority.  When we are having a rough day...it's mom who calls for a day off.  Their memories right now are filled with dance parties where we shake our booties, tall towers to keep out alligators, and painting so many pictures on our kitchen table that most art galleries would have a hard time housing them all. 

All my searching has not erradicated the charge of Titus 2.  God calls women to some very specific tasks.  We should be busy at home.  We should manage our households well.  We should mentor younger women and teach them to love their husbands and children.  There are a lot of things God tells us we should do.  What he does not instruct us to do is set up legalistic rules that we impose on our sisters in Christ in either blatant or subversive ways that cause them to lose their joy in the calling Christ has for them. 

Christians...we need to drop the banner or "shoulds and should not" and pick up the banner of "grace."

Throughout this struggle, I talked with my mom.  Mom and I recently rekindled the joy of our relationship and having her wisdom at my disposal is one of the greatest gifts I have.  I have tremendous regret that I took this for granted for so long.  Mom is the most authentic person I know.  I aspire to be that real.  That ok with myself.  It's a tough journey.  I lived it with my Mom...watching her as she was put to the fire.  The outcome of all of that, though, is so beautiful.  I hope I'm that much of a woman...that much of person...when I am where she is.

My mom shared with me the quote I posted here after a long conversation.  It was a moment of comic relief for us and I thought, beautiful.  She gave me permission to post it on my blog.  Except she meant my private blog.  Oops.  Oh well, the world is greater for that understanding.

Carolyn Mahaney has some good thoughts.  I'd just tweak one, though.

Let's pray for and suffer with ALL of our sisters.  Let's not get caught up in this game of trying to check off the right boxes in christian culture.  Let's celebrate the people God has created in us.  Let's follow the guidance of the Holy Spirit under the authorities he's placed us.  And let's celebrate being sisters. 

My parting thought...Hooray for the Hoo Hah. 

p.s.  I'm having t-shirts printed...submit your orders now! :)