31

In my head I am stuck at 28. When someone asks me my age, I immediately think "I'm 28." I have no idea how this happened, but it's true. In my imaginary world I will always be 28. But in the real world...the one with wrinkles and mineral based make up...I'm 31.

I am 31.

Wow and weird. Birthdays are times of reflection and I love to reflect. So, here's my life recap.

At 31 I feel like I am getting older. Like...I FEEL like I am getting older. I have wrinkles on my face, my hands look older, my butt is not in the right place and I've breastfed two babies which should tell you that nothing is in the right place anymore. I've been pregnant 4 times and carried two babies to term. My body feels tired at times and I think I know why.

At the same time I feel stronger. I feel more secure. Gone are the days of wondering who I am. Now, I know. I'm not sure that I always like that person, but at least I know who she is. I feel more confident. I have wonderful friendships with women that I talk to almost daily and some that I go months without talking to. I've become secure enough to end friendships that are not healthy and explore new ones.

I've grown to understand that some of the best things in life come from the most ugly circumstances. I've learned not to expect everything to work out.

I am a mother, but this is not my highest calling. I'm starting to get that now. Understanding that motherhood is not the "be all, end all" has helped me be a better mother. I love Sam and Reagan with all that I am.

I live in Texas. We talk about guns. A week or so ago a friend asked me if I could really shoot someone who might be trying to break into my home. My response was to ask if my babies were home. In her hypothetical situation she said yes. Without hesitation...yes...I would shoot someone. I would shoot someone; I would attempt to stop a moving bus; I would give my life. Literally, I would die for my children. Sobering to think about, but honest and real. Having children has given me a great understanding of God's love for me. No, motherhood is not my highest calling, but I feel so blessed to be called mom.

I am a wife. I once thought that I couldn't be a wife. The first time I tried it I let pride get in the way of choosing a husband. I had a legal certificate for marriage, but I didn't have a husband. My marriage to Scott has been healing for me in many ways, not the least of which is allowing me to move past the place of defining myself by my past. Scott encourages me to have the confidence to be bold and he challenges me to be authentic.

Sam planned a birthday party for me on Sunday. He was so excited and it was by far my happiest to date.

And I'm happy to report that my candles didn't set off the fire alarm. Here's hoping I have the same luck with 32.