I should be sleeping...

...but I'm awake.

The kids went to bed on time tonight. I had a million things (okay 10) on my to-do list. But instead I turned on the fireplace (because that's how we roll in the Kenley Casa) and opened my laptop. I started reading.

I should have a read a good book. I should have surfed the latest drama surrounding Jay Leno. I could have even listened to the state of the union speech last night. All of those things (except maybe the union address) would have left me with less heartburn right now and probably even put me to sleep.

Instead I read about theology and baptist doctrine. I read the 1963 Baptist Faith and Message and compared it to the 2000 Baptist Faith and Message. I read different views on the idea of covering. I listened to two sermons by Paige Patterson - one of which included a serious directive regarding whether or not we should carry a bible in book form or electronic form to church. The end message of that discussion was somehow you are more serious about Jesus if you actually carry a traditional bible to church. Interesting...I wonder what that means for the dyslexic who can't read the bible they are carrying. I'm not sure, but I think this is certainly worthy of debate among serious Christians. Not.

I have to stop this. I have to stop caring about these things. But I can't seem to help myself. I have this overwhelming need to sift through the density of these debates trying to find where Jesus is. Sometimes I get so lost, which if baffling to me because these are my people. I grew up in a traditional southern baptist church. I came out of my mothers womb asking questions and that didn't stop during my church education. And because of those traits and good teachers I learned scripture. Never enough...it's never enough...I want to know more, but I'm grateful for those people who helped me learn the Word.

And ideas like reformed movements, fundamentalism, patriachy, complementarians and so on....well...it's hard to work through these ideas. Each leader is teaching from the bible....using the same scriptures...and defining inerrant in multiple ways. What is legalism and where is it in church today? It's too much for my mind to absorb. I feel like I'm drowning and can't catch a breath of air.

And then...

I read that a friend has cancer.

And my world stops for a moment. It stops long enough for the words of Jesus to come to my mind.

Matthew 22:37-40
37Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."

Love.

Love God and love others. That is what Jesus said is worthy of our time.

These debates and discussions might be useful, but love is more important. These debates are devisive to the people of God. Rather than edifying each position seems bent in some ways to wound the opposite view. Washington DC has nothing on the kind of politics that I have read tonight.

I'm not going to stop reading. I believe that God may be using all this energy I have in this area for something. I'm preparing for something that I can't even describe right now. I'm confident of that.

But just when I needed it...God sent some perspective.

My friend is one story. There are so many more. People who sit in our churches. People who are hurting because of the laws we have created to earn righteousness. We've missed the point.

I need to love. I need to love by asking the questions and telling the stories. I need to love by remembering Christ's ultimate love for us in that while we were still sinners he laid down His life.

Perspective.